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New Fraser Institute report touts benefits of no longer being alive

By: 
Evan Johnston

January 16, 2014

Hot on the heels of a report released Tuesday by the Fraser Institute condemning living wages for workers, their follow-up report – entitled Atlas Croaked: The Benefits of Not Being Alive – is being hailed as their most generous and compassionate research to date.
 
The report, co-authored by Fraser Institute research fellows Dr. Ronald Malthus and Dr. Margaret Friedman, argues that the most effective solution to the problems facing workers in Canada is for them to consider “extinguishing their existence.”
 
According to the official press release, “What we found was that subjects who pursued alternatives to being alive no longer experienced debt, low wages, or a career with few opportunities for advancement.”
 
The interdisciplinary report used a variety of research methods, including extensive interviews with the recently deceased. 
 
Some of the most significant findings include 100% of respondents reporting no negative consequences of being dead and buried, and 0% indicating that they would rather be living.
 
One curious finding was that 0.01% of the deceased may still be receiving their Senate pensions.
 
According to co-author Dr. Ronald Malthus, “Our research indicates that the more people choose to pursue alternative life options, the greater the savings will be for corporations in terms of wages and benefits.”
 
“The report also has clear implications for public policy,” Malthus continues. “Instead of continuing to encourage dependency on things like 'food for your neighbour's children' or 'health care', individuals should be reminded of their freedom to choose to embrace the pure nirvana of non-being.”
 
A source close to the Prime Minister's office says that the Conservative government will be taking a close look at the report, but insists that the spirit of the report's findings has “always animated the policies and priorities of the current government.” 
 
“The principle of making people no longer alive has been a cornerstone of our stance toward climate change and the Tar Sands, and has been a key motivating factor in our stance on pipelines. Poisoning lakes and rivers, and increasing cancer rates on First Nations communities, are just a few examples of our commitment to pro-life-ending policies.”
 
The source later added, “No other Prime Minister has done as much to ensure the non-existence of future generations than Stephen Harper.”
 
A spokesperson for the Liberal Party disagrees, telling socialist.ca that if it wasn't for the severe budget cuts and restructuring undertaken during the Jean Cretien government in the 1990s, things wouldn't be half as miserable as they are today. 
 
“Name one other federal budget that made so many people to not want to be alive. Name just one! Paul Martin's budget really set the template for making life unbearable, leading many hard working Canadians to consider alternatives to this wordly plane.”
 
The NDP could not be reached for a comment, but insiders suggest that their recent statement mourning the death of war criminal Ariel Sharon may indicate their willingness to re-evaluate their position on the "life" question.
 
Note: This article is a work of satire and should not be construed as a statement of fact.

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